Serving, leading, handing people trays full of those little red cups and those tiny bread pieces.
Over to my right, just across the room was a young boy, skinny and small and swallowed up by his clothes. Good for him, I remember thinking. Good that he's getting to serve, good that he's getting a chance to exercise his gifts.
Good for him, I remember thinking, and I really truly meant it. In the same breath, in the same thought I wondered how many girls had been asked to serve communion today (none) and how many girls sitting in these pews have gifts to be exercised (more than we realize).
How many girls are sitting in our pews hoping for an invitation to show us what they can do?
How many girls are in our schools smarter than we give them credit for?
How many girls are around the world-black, white, brown and everything in between-and are simply wanting to be heard, wanting to be seen?
The thing is, women still need to be listened to. Women still need to be given chances. Women still need to be empowered.
Because let me tell you: when sleeping women wake, mountains begin to move.
There's a video that's been circling the web called "What Happens When You Put a Boy in Front of a Girl and Ask Him to Slap Her". It's been shared multiple times with exclamations praising the boys for (spoiler alert) choosing to not hit the girl in front of them, with the attempted point of the video being that violence against women is wrong.
While I'm sure the intentions behind the video are well-meant, it needs to be said that many aspects of it are problematic at best.
There are redeeming factors throughout it, and we'll return to some of these at the end of this post. However, as I watched the video all I could see were red flags and enforcements of things that feminism works directly against, things that are necessary to address if women are to actually ever reach full empowerment and inclusion.
Red Flag #1: The Focus on Martina's Appearance
When each boy is introduced, the narrator asks for their names, their ambitions, their ages, and other holistic features that make them up as people and individuals. In contrast, when Martina is introduced, we only know her name. Then, the narrator asks each boy what he likes about Martina, and every single answer is about her outward appearance. From her eyes, shoes, hands, and hair, every comment made is about her physical looks.
In a world where girls are encouraged to be pretty rather than smart, this is incredibly detrimental.
That the perspective is coming from the boys is also enforcing the idea that women exist for men to look at, and later the reason for the boys not slapping her seems to be rooted in her womanhood, which, solely based upon the video, seems to be found in her appearance rather than her character, integrity, personhood, or merely that she is a human being worthy of respect.
Additionally, Martina is not asked to share anything about herself, whereas the boys before her were invited to tell the camera about themselves. This is enforcing the age-old idea that women are meant to be seen; not heard.
Red Flag #2: Lack of Consent
After being asked what they think of Martina, the boys are told to caress her.
Um, what.
While watching the video I became increasingly unsettled, first because I wasn't sure what was about to unfold before my eyes and second because of the message that the video began to send. The attempted message is that violence against women is wrong, but the truth is that when young boys are encouraged to caress a woman without her consent, the message spoken is just the opposite of what it should be: that boys should only touch girls if they wish to be touched.
This is true of any and all people. No one has any right to touch you, man or woman or anywhere in between, unless you have given full and absolute consent. In a world where violence and sexual assault against women is common and even normalized, we need to be teaching mutuality and respect in every way.
Another question to be raised: why is it alright for the boys to caress Martina, but hitting or slapping her is condemned?
This is only perpetrating rape and sexual assault, and it's also instating the idea that women exist to pleasure men. Additionally, Martina is associated with softer, gentler characteristics, or what is stereotypically feminine. This presents her as passive and weak and in need of defending, which, ironically, is only enforcing violence against women.
Red Flag #3: Man-Up (Woman Down?)
At the end of the video, each boy is told to slap Martina, and each boy refuses. We all applaud (congratulations, you know slapping is wrong...). When asked why they won't hit her, the answers are all gender-focused, which is only enforcing double standards and binary thinking.
"Because she's a girl".
"Because I'm a man".
"Because you aren't supposed to hit girls".
"Because she's pretty, and I can't hit a girl".
Okay. I understand that we want to condemn violence against women. I'm a hard feminist: condemning gender-based violence is part of what I want to give my life to. However, when we emphasize that violence against women is wrong solely because a person is a woman, all we are doing is missing the point completely.
Violence against women is wrong, but not because "women aren't supposed to be hit". Violence against women is wrong because women are people too.
Those boys shouldn't hit women. Those boys shouldn't hit men, either.
When we say that women shouldn't be hit, we imply that men should.
Enforcing gender stereotypes, which is what this video does, is only enforcing violence against women. The only way to end gender-based violence is to diminish gender stereotypes and to empower women.
Women aren't meant to be weak, passive, or soft. Men aren't meant to be strong, abrasive, or hard. When we tie biological sex to gender identity, we are setting everyone up for a world of hurt. All of us, men and women alike, are holistic human beings worthy of respect.
I know (or I hope) this video had well-meaning intentions, but it is only more detrimental than not. The worlds of sex, gender, identity, and violence are far more psychological and complex than the video made them all out to be.
The only redeeming factor of the video was one boy reasoning his choice to not hit Martina with, "because I'm against violence".
This should only ever be the answer to someone being asked, "why not"? I'm a woman, but if your reason for not hitting me is because of my female anatomy, then I'm still going to be afraid of you. Don't hit me-or anyone else.
I've been blogging through a series of theologies that enforce domestic violence. In light of this video, how do our Church teachings align with the message that is being sent? Do we teach "manly-man" stereotypes? Do we encourage women to be passive, weak, and gentle? Are we viewing all people, regardless of sex, as holistic human beings?
Everytime I go to church, I think about these things. Are we asking the women to lead and serve just as much as the men? Are we allowing the Spirit to move and breathe and stretch it's limbs?
We've all got gifts. We are all needed at this table, in this sweet kingdom of love and hope and sweet, sweet peace. This is the way to resurrection. This is the way to Shalom. When we start seeing us all, men and women alike, as full, holistic, capable human beings worthy of respect and mutuality, then a little bit of Heaven comes down to Earth.
