'And then', I continued in a whimsical fashion, 'ideally I will go on to complete my PhD., land a respectable job at a well-known university as a professor of some sort of field pertaining to theology or biblical studies, and be living in the glorious mountains of Colorado with my ridiculously attractive husband (who loves to hike and watch Lord of the Rings) and our pet husky, Meeko, by which time we will begin to plan the adoption of our second child from Haiti (because we had our first child the previous year-a curly, red-headed daughter named Lily)'.
At that point in time, my life will be Pinterest-perfect.
[My parents were not amused by my joking].
The truth is, I do plan. I think ahead. If you know me at all, you know I am one of those (slightly) OCD people who has to know every detail of...everything, or at least I used to be. I was that annoying child who constantly asked, 'Are we there yet?', 'Where are we going?', 'What are we doing?', and, my parent's personal favorite, 'Why? Why, why, why??'. I make lists for pretty much everything. I made my first resume when I was thirteen, because I was now a responsible babysitter, and that counts as a real-life job, right? I had to set those happenings in stone (or pen) so that I could show off my experience to the people who would hire me in the future (because of course I would have interview upon interview when I grew up).
I used to be such a control freak, which I probably get from my mom. I don't know about you, but I am basically my mom reincarnated when it comes to aspects such as this. Teenage girls like to be a bird of their own feather and march to the beat of their own drum, but somewhere along the way I started to see more of my mom in myself, and it was like when I turned twenty I had some sort of revelation and realized that I am her, for the most part. We have a few differences, but when it comes to ambitious planning and being need-to-know control freaks, we are the same.
At this point you are probably wondering how I traveled from being a fascist scheduling dictator to being able to calmly discuss what may happen in the next few years-let alone being able to joke about it! Let me tell you a secret that your flesh is probably fighting your spirit to believe:
You are not in control.
Sorry to kill your ego, but it's true.
In the past, God has taught me this on a daily basis, but for some reason I never truly grasped this concept until last December when I had decided to transfer to Abilene Christian University (you can read all about that here). All of a sudden, my plans for the next two years (in the very least) changed. My major would not be Anthropology anymore. My cute little yellow house with blue shutters would no longer be my home. I wouldn't be able to see some dear faces every day. Everything was about to change, and I would never have foreseen any of it before that moment. Attending ACU to pursue ministry has been on my heart since high school, but I honestly never thought it would happen (for various reasons), and now that it is, all I can say is that God is in control, because I have been resisting all of this change, yet it has still taken place-it is taking place! I move tomorrow (whoa).
Okay, you may be thinking, that's great for you, but I like being in control of my life, thank you very much, and nothing has ever happened to shake up my plans, so I'll just keep on keepin' on.
Let me share a bit of wisdom from the book of James chapter four:
13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 16 As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. 17 If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them'.
Our lives are a mist, and don't we see evidence of this every day? As death claims lives in unexpected situations at unpredicted times every day, the only conclusion to be drawn is that we do not know what tomorrow holds. This truth is for me, for you, for the eighty-year old, and for the newborn. Only God knows what tomorrow holds.
This brings up an intriguing question: why should we plan at all, then?
I believe there is a balance to be found, like with every other concept of life, when it comes to planning. Scripture tells us to make plans but to hold them loosely. Planning is wise, and wisdom is of the Lord, but when we engrain our plans into our heads and decide that our way is the only way, we have sinned, because we have taken submission to the Lord's plans out of the equation (which is quite comical that we mere humans think we have the ability to do such a thing).
My flesh struggles every day with submitting to the Lord, but there is beauty in that, because it shows I need God. When I yield my plans to Him out of an honest heart, it is for my good, because His plans are always for my good. We should plan-but hold those plans loosely-because it increases our dependence upon God. The process of planning-the privilege to be able to-is a gift from above, and when used wisely, we can see it yield beautiful fruit in our lives and in those around us. We must remember, though, that God is sovereign, and His plans are better than we could ever envision for ourselves.
I'm thankful He is sovereign. If running this entire universe was up to me, I'm sure I would only create a chaotic mess!
So, even though I may have desires of living in Colorado for some time of my life, and even though I deeply hope to land a job teaching what my soul loves, and even though in my head and heart I envision myself discipling college girls out of my own home while precious children run barefoot all over the place, I have no place to boast. I do not know what will happen. I only know that God has a plan, and it is so sweet like honey. His plans will prevail, and I can only trust that. He gives us the gift of being dreamers, thinkers, and doers. He wants us to see potential, but He wants us to approach our desires with prayer and an open heart to what His will is.
Until He reveals His plans in full, I'll just keep on joking to my less-than amused parents about the plans I have in my head (and promise them that I am taking my future seriously at the same time).
