These past couple of days I've not been lovely-at least on the outside. The combination of pure exhaustion, an overdose of spiritually pouring myself out without filling myself up, and a sort of stomach something have confined me to my bed with a tissue box and Audrey Hepburn films for company.
[For concerned parents, I've made sure to get those orange juice and h2o fluids flowing and have been popping pills like crazy. Today's faired much better for me on the health spectrum].
Anyway, as I've been donning sweat pants and t-shirts while fighting the feeling of nausea every time I stand up, it's been on my mind more than ever that it is indeed not what's on the outside that counts. If what mattered was how I looked on the outside, then I would most certainly have failed that test these past few days.
Not that every other day I'm a regular Grace Kelly, but you get the point.
It's actually been really empowering to have the reminder that looks don't matter. I don't label makeup as evil or jewelry as from the devil, but I've definitely been convicted to simplify my life over the past two years, because for me, it's way too easy to engage in these worldly products and to let my heart be deceived in the value that they bring.
But that's just me.
Anyway, this sickness that's overcome me has been odd, because I don't think it's simply of the physical realm. What I mean is, due to a number of circumstances, I believe I've been attacked physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually-because it is in all of these areas that I've been completely drained.
Somewhere along the way in the past few weeks I've side-lined God. I'd been so busy going to camp and participating in bible studies that I'd forgotten to make quality time with my Dad. I'd been talking to Him in the car on my way to work, enjoying His blessings throughout the day, and even reading about Him, but every time I'd sat down to experience His Presence I had rushed through it, not giving Him the time He deserves-and the time I need.
I wasn't fully welcoming His Spirit with an open heart, and because of that a toll was taken. I lost energy and immunities and a spirit of grace that daily needs to exist. I know in my heart and head that true beauty do not gold adornment make, but my response of where I put my value was ultimately tested these past two days when my movement was limited to my bed and every part of me screamed for the world to just be silent so I could rest.
My first responses when I'm sick are not full of grace, and in fact my tendencies lean toward irritability and impatience. Yesterday, thankfully, the Lord taught me a lesson I already thought I knew: how to be lovely.
When I was down at my lowest point physically, I could just hear the Spirit asking, 'Are you ready to come to me in full, now?' That's when I was reminded: I can't live this life alone. I need encouraging community and I need sweet one-on-one time with my Father. So, I filled a glass of water and grabbed a box of tissues and went outside to enjoy some time on the outside back patio with God.
And my soul was fed. Physically, my immune system still called for medicine, and that was okay. Spiritually, a peace came over me that I can't explain.
God also reminded me that my attitude was going to dictate how I responded to my sickness and my environment around me. When every noise seemed to hit my head like a hammer hits a nail, would I respond in grace or would I respond in aggravation? When other people's preferences weren't on the same timeline as my own, would my mood immediately drop or would I find comfort in my Father's Presence? For all of these questions and more, the ultimate focal point is this: what is true in my mind must be true in my heart. Combatting spiritual warfare in a sense begins with the mind, because our knowledge should affect our heart which takes form in our actions which defines who we are.
Scripture is in favor of this, for we are told to set our minds on things above and also to dwell on what is lovely, noble, true, pure, and the list goes on and on (Philippians 4:8).
What we set our minds on will affect what we value in our hearts. I was challenged more than ever before these past two days to answer this call-to set my mind on the aspects of God-in order to have my heart in the right place, even when my circumstance told me I deserve to do otherwise. It's really easy to justify a bad attitude when you are under the weather, but this is a lie from Satan himself. We are forever and always called to love, but our hearts won't get there unless our heads take the first step.
So, how do I diagnose the sickness of lacking loveliness? When you don't have anything nice to say, when you'd rather complain than rejoice, or when all you see is rain though you desperately want sunshine, turn your focus to what is excellent and praise-worthy. Pray for grace. It'll change your whole perspective, and even when you have snot dripping down your nose and the worst stomach bug this world's ever seen, I promise you will still be lovely.
[And a quick side-note: acetaminophen is an amazing pain-reliever. It brought my fever down like crazy! If you're also feeling under the weather today and calling a tissue box your best friend, then I hope you get back up and running very soon. Take solace in His Presence today, and enjoy a fun Audrey Hepburn clip from one of my favorite movies, 'Funny Face', just for the sake of it].
