I've been in Abilene all of one day, and it already feels like home.Being here has been a long time coming, and in the past twenty-four hours I've seen such evidence that God wants me here and that He's going to do big things.
The Lord first stirred my heart to study ministry back in high school, but I've never stepped out in faith to answer that call until now. Over the past two years I've struggled with every reason of why not to pursue this passion, and as I made excuse after excuse-all of which were solely based in the fear and sin of not trusting God with being able to do immeasurably more than I can imagine-I consistently was dealing with the consequences that came with that, such as doubting God's goodness, suffering spiritual warfare at the most intense, real, and tangible level I've ever experienced, and all that happens as a result of resisting submission to the Lord's plans.
And I thought I had the ability and authority to put my plans above His, apparently.
The truth is, I'm not sure if I would redo any of it, because my faith grew so much. God allowed the past two years to happen just as they did, and even though it was all a bit challenging, the process of it all forced me to depend on Him because I was constantly reminded that I need Him. Sometimes the process of arriving at our destination is even more glorious than the act of arriving at all, I do believe. My time at A&M was a season of chaos as far as what the world was throwing at me, but it was one that was beautiful as far as the Lord is concerned, because it always is with Him, as it forever will be!
The past two years have been rough, overall, and it's only because God chooses to bless our lives and bring good from tough situations that they were also years sprinkled with sweet, memorable people and moments. I'm going to miss college station the like of which words cannot describe, but at the same time I am so, so excited for what the next two years and beyond hold, because I am finally giving in, throwing up my hands in surrender, and following the Spirit and taking steps toward what He's asking me to do. He's indeed leading me into deeper waters, and as I mentioned in the first couple of sentences of this post, I'm seeing evidence that He's calling me to do so. He's inviting me into the glorious. He's showing me confirmation that each step I'm taking is one that is in light of His path.
For example, I've felt more at home in this tiny (adorable) town of Abilene in the past twenty-four hours than I ever did in the fairly larger town of College Station during the two years that I lived there, and not because I didn't have great people surrounding me or good memories that I'll cherish forever, because I definitely had both of those blessings. It's just that this town fits me in ways I wasn't expecting. In just the one night I was here I saw God use people and places to confirm my presence here. In just one night I found the cutest coffee shop I've ever been to. In just one evening I met someone who wants to join a bible study the Lord has asked me to start up once school gets going. After simply being in my apartment for a few hours, I sat on my floor with opened boxes stacked all around me and half of my room unpacked and just sat and thanked God for making all of this happen, because it's so obviously where I'm supposed to be. As I meandered around campus and happened upon the Graduate School of Theology, I was overcome with emotion because I have the privilege to study the ins and outs of Jesus and am being called to do so.
It doesn't feel like home because it's the easy place to be, or because it's the fun place to be (though I most certainly expect it to be full of fun in the form of charming simplicity that cute towns have), or for any other reason that I can really explain. It just feels like home because everything about it feels right-because it is well with my soul.
I think there will be difficult moments. I think I will miss people (I already do!) from that aching part of my soul that doesn't want to let go of all of the pink-bubble moments from the past two years. I think it will stretch me in different ways than being at A&M did. I think discipling girls will be different from before but just as beautiful, and it will, as mentoring does, require grace and love and everything else that our flesh fights. Being able to study theology is going to stress me out one day and overwhelm my soul with it's beauty the next.
It's not going to be easy, because life isn't easy. Living out Jesus' love isn't supposed to be easy. It's supposed to be hard, but that's what makes it so great.
All I can say is that the rest of my college career will be filled with steps of faith, because I've arrived at a place where I've realized that I can't live any other way. I'm not made to live any other way. I do think, however, that this season will be one of harvest rather than a dry one. It feels like I'm entering a new season as I'm leaving the previous one. Perhaps a dry one will continue, though that's not how it seems to be going so far. God is hardly in the expected, though. More often than not He is more unexpectedly amazing than I can ever imagine.
The way I've come to see it, not knowing what the future holds is probably one of the most extravagant gifts God has given us, because it teaches us patience and dependence on Him. Life is like one big scavenger hunt, with God giving us clues and surprises all along the way. He delights to surprise us with what the future holds. His blessings and happenings are similar to holiday gifts, but we too often act like five-year olds, ruining Christmas by trying to open our presents early or tearing the house apart in a frenzy simply because our impatient selves have to know every detail of every moment of every day. God's revealed to me that when it comes to patience, I have the limit of a small child. How pathetic, right? ;) You know that little kid in the Disney/Pixar film, 'Up'? He has this awesome motto: 'Adventure is out there!' It's so true, and God is calling us to climb mountains of struggle and canoe rivers of blessings, so let's just stop freaking out about all of the 'what-if's' and just do what we hear Him speaking!
So, to wrap up this post in the Afternoon Tea series (I'm drinking Chai TEA tonight-score!) I would like to communicate this: sometimes we are called to bloom right where we are planted, but other times we are called to go where God is calling us, even if it means going somewhere new with the future unknown in every aspect. No matter where we are, we should listen to His calm, still voice. We should take steps of faith while holding our Father's hand the entire way. We should prayerfully align the will of our minds and hearts with His, because our souls are made to live in sweet surrender to Him. For the past two years I've been trying to cram my puzzle piece of a life into a puzzle that it didn't fit. When I finally humbled down and realized that I am the piece-not the One completing the puzzle-I asked God to put me where He knew I was supposed to be, and now He's fit me perfectly into the picture I was supposed to be a part of.
So, if you relate to any of this, I encourage you to respond to Him in faith. Stop running from whatever He's asking you to do. Quit attempting to make your plans better than His, because they're never going to be. Stop struggling with the God who is trying to give you what is best for you! Wave your white flag and surrender. There is freedom in surrender.
Even though He has all of the authority, we have a choice. Every moment of every day we are given a choice to submit to Him or play with the fires of Hell, but if submitting to Him feeds our hungry souls, if following His will quenches our thirsty selves, and if stepping in faith collapses us into His arms that will never let us fall, then why would we choose to do anything else?
Our flesh is strong. Satan is deceitful. We are messy.
Guess what? We are also loved. So let's remind each other to respond to that love in surrender, because I sure as heck need reminders every single day.
