If you're a girl and you live in America, then you're likely familiar with the concept of 'dating' Jesus, an intriguing cultural phenomenon that can take many forms: having coffee with God, writing love letters to Jesus, or wearing a purity ring labeled 'true love waits' until you find the perfect earthly man who will replace that ring with a special one of a different sort. These are just some examples of the idea behind Jesus being every Christian girl's boyfriend. Though this concept is meant to be in a spiritual sense rather than a tangible one, it seems to be meant in a literal sense just the same. The purpose within this idea is for each Christian girl to have the perspective of Jesus being her first love, or in other words, her knight in shining armor, because He is perfect, loving, and faithful. He is the standard of what every man should be. Then, after the girl and Jesus 'date' for a good while-or however long it takes, I suppose-God will bring a second love every bit as perfect as the first into the girl's life. This new knight in shining armor will woo the girl, replace her purity ring with a wedding ring, and the two will ride off into the sunset on the knight's white horse to live happily ever after.
I know I'm about to burst some bubbles here, but I honestly believe it is necessary and even significantly important for the spiritual growth of girls everywhere-and guys too-to hear this truth: this cultural concept is flawed in various aspects.
At least, I am of such an opinion. Gently, I will attempt to explain my reasoning behind this. Bit by bit, let's break this concept down to try to better understand it.
Theologically, this entire concept is simply...unbiblical. Don't misunderstand me-I believe having a personal relationship with God is biblical. All throughout the Bible God is shown to be interested in and even concerned for His creation. His Presence is near and interactive with humans especially, and multiple times the text describes God as 'loving', 'kind', and 'Fatherly'. He loves His people, and He calls us His children. I advocate for God and humans having a close-knit relationship (though even this can take many forms). Biblically, I think the relationship is meant to be more than simply the role of a boyfriend or husband. Does God fulfill these areas of life? Yes. Does He also fulfill the roles of a father, a mother, a wife, a brother, a sister, or a lost one? Yes. God can fill any relational yearnings. I do not think He should be confined to being a 'boyfriend' role or any other.
When thinking of God as relational, we must also take into account His divinity. Biblically, God is shown to be the Creator of every good thing. In the beginning, He is shown to be above and separate from His creation. Because He is God, He is not the same as humans in every aspect. In fact, it is the other way around. God is not made to be like humans; humans are made to be like God.
There are two theological views of God: personal and reverent. As humans, we should find a balance in obtaining both of these views. These two perspectives must be kept in proper relation to each other. If the idea of God being relational is overemphasized, then His divinity is taken away. We can easily forget that He is indeed God. However, if we only view Him as authoritative and take away the relational parts of Him, then God becomes so far removed from humanity as to have little or no interest in us. A balance between these two views best represents a biblical view of God.
Recently this idea of being relational with God and becoming deeply familiar with Jesus has been the topic of various conversations I've had with multiple people. Here is the point I want to address: creating this sort of culture in which Jesus is our first love and every other human must meet His standard has some serious implications and has some lasting effects-some positive while some incredibly negative.
Relationally, God wants people close to His side, and I think even this can take various forms. I myself will often call God 'Daddy', 'Father', or some other personal term, because He often fulfills those roles for me when I need them most. Not that my earthly Dad does not-He most certainly does-but my earthly Dad is not perfect. He is flawed, just like every other human being, and so God, in all His glorious flawlessness, fills every void for me. If you refer to God as your boyfriend or husband, I do not see an absolute problem with it. Wisdom must come into play, however, as you remember God is also holy and divine, and when you view other people, you must remember that they are indeed simply that: people. God has called us His friends. We are also His children. As a Church, we are His bride. We are meant to serve and love Him.
So, back to the boyfriend thing.
I've talked to many girls that have engaged in such a concept and have participated in some of the above mentioned examples: journaling the deepest parts of their heart to God, promising all of themselves to God, and swearing to be true to only 'date' Jesus until they meet the perfect guy that is also pursuing Jesus with every fiber of his being. Though I have seen this have positive outcomes, I have more often than not seen it to yield negativity.
For example, when a girl says the person she is 'dating' is Jesus, then Jesus becomes the standard for any other guy she may potentially date. Essentially, what she is saying is that she wants to 'date' Jesus until she meets a guy who is seeking God so much that He reaches a point of being exactly like Jesus. She will only date Jesus-the perfect, faithful, loving man of all men-until she finds another guy who is equally as loving and faithful.
There's a common phrase (there are bunch of them, actually) that goes something like this:
'Dance with God, and He will let the perfect man cut in'.To all of the girls reading this, if you have decided to 'date' Jesus until you find the perfect guy who loves God with all of his mind, heart, and soul, then I am sad to inform you that you will indeed be 'dating' Jesus forever.
I'm not saying there aren't awesome guys out there. They definitely do exist. I'm saying there aren't perfect guys out there.
I'm also not saying to just date anyone without bringing wisdom into the equation. Dating a godly man is an awesome aspiration. Dating a perfect one is a faltering misconception.
Sexual and emotional purity are commendable virtues that I believe should be a part of every relationship. However, perfectionism for the sake of perfectionism is setting any relationship up for disaster.
Why is there a culture within western Christianity that says guys have to be perfect before girls can date them? I'm not sure if it's similar the other way around, but it probably is. For any guys reading this, let it be known that you will never find a perfect girl. Perfect people do not exist.
Isn't that the beauty of relationships, though?
For in our imperfections, we see the need for Jesus.
The need for grace. Forgiveness. Redemption. Growth.
No girl or guy should ever set a standard of perfection-for themselves or for a spouse. All of us should be setting a standard of grace. You don't want a spouse that is striving for perfection. You want a spouse that is striving for love. You want to look for a guy or girl that is seeking to know more about the heart of God and about the person of Jesus Christ progressively in an upward manner. You don't want a guy or girl who thinks he or she is perfect. It's quite the opposite: you want a guy or girl who realizes he or she is broken, because if they know they are a sinner, then they know their need for a Savior. If they have received grace, then they will know how to extend it-to you, to other people, and to themselves.
You don't want your potential spouse to have a spirit of perfectionism. You want your spouse to have a spirit of redemption.
Then, when you and him/her both mess up (it will happen at some point), then you know he/she will respond appropriately to the sin. Even if he/she is stumbling, then at least they are trying. At least they are seeking the heart of Jesus. Your spouse may not be perfect, but at least they know the One who is.
This is a lesson I have learned over time. Growing up it's common for girls to make lists of what they want in a future boyfriend or husband (sorry if that freaks you out guys, but it's true-this and truth or dare are the vital focuses of any middle school sleepover), and it's so weird to think back on those times. If I were to look back at the actual lists my friends and I made, they would all be first, incredibly unrealistic, and second, incredibly unfair. We wanted a perfect guy when we weren't even perfect ourselves. Ladies, how loving is it to set an unrealistically high standard for the guys-for the brothers-in our lives, when we ourselves fail to live up to such a standard? Then, whenever a guy misses the mark and we reject them a relationship or even a friendship, that poor guy wallows in self-destruction, wondering what is wrong with them and why they aren't perfect. There is a culture within Christianity that screams for people-men and women alike-to strive for perfection. Perfection is such a lie. Perfection isn't even the goal or focus of Christianity. The goal of Christianity is love, while the end products of love are holiness and restoration.
Let me clarify a few points: I do not necessarily think viewing God as your boyfriend or husband or whatever is 'wrong'. It's not really my preferred view of God, but even if it is for you, then that's fine. That is not the primary issue at hand. The issue is what can and often does arise from such a cultural concept. When it comes to throwing around this sort of language and partaking in these sorts of activities-journaling out love letters, going on a date with God, or whatever else-it is important to remember that God, and though He indeed loves you very much, is still God. He is still divine, powerful, and majestic. He cannot be molded and formed to your own idea of how you want Him to be. He is God, and our hearts should be molded after His-not the other way around.
One of my favorite portrayals of God is the character Aslan from C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. He is described as 'dangerous, but good'. God isn't tame. He is bold, strong, and a little wild. He is, however, good. He is good and pure and right. This is one reason why I don't really like thinking of Jesus as my 'boyfriend'-at least not in the way western culture often makes this meaning out to be. Does God my Father sustain me? Yes. Does He love me, care for me, protect me, and yearn for my love to be for Him alone? Most definitely. God is gentle-hearted. I believe in having tender, real, intimate moments with God. I believe someone can experience God by having coffee with Him, even. We need to be careful not to shape God with our own culture, though. God should be shaping our culture. God isn't as simple as what we sometimes make Him. He is so much more than a modernized version of a mushy, sappy, sugar-coated concept.
And I love mushy, sappy, sugar-coated things. Most of my favorite movies are romantic comedies and I absolutely swoon over ancient British love poems. Even I know that there's more to God than that, though.
Jesus is, in a sense, every person's 'knight in shining armor'. He came to save the lost, heal the sick, and restore the broken. He did not come, however, to be be kept in a box labeled 'My Spiritual Boyfriend'. He did not come primarily for me or for you. Jesus didn't save me so that I could keep Him to myself. The message of Jesus Christ is for every man, woman, and child to be saved so that every person can love one another and live with Him forever. We are redeemed to love other people. God wants us to be saved and then live our lives reaching out to the poor, the widowed, and the children. He wants us to love those labeled 'unclean'. He wants us to waste our lives for Him and for other people-for we are all children of God.
It's come to my attention that Christianity has created a lot of cultural expectations and ideas that are not completely theologically or biblically sound, and especially in regards to relationships it has been on my heart and mind to share my views on certain topics. Up until now I've intentionally avoided discussing topics centered around relationships, only because I wanted to wait until later in my life to do so, but I'm considering sharing some thoughts and perhaps blogging through a series over relationships as it may benefit some or many readers.
There may be more to come, but that's all for now. Love God. Don't forget to love people, too, because we're all broken, and we all need restoration. Everybody needs Jesus, so let's spread the love!
