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| Image from a Huffington Post article, Everyday Sexism |
We like labels, both in the world and in the Church. Why, I really don't know, because labels seem to bring more damage than help, but they exist nonetheless, whether they be about our personalities, reputations, or much else. When it comes to sexual identity, men are often considered as "hunters", "protectors", or "defenders" while women are commonly viewed as "homemakers", "passive", and "in need of saving". The Church especially likes to lump men and women into such categories, usually accompanied by the argument that men are meant to represent one aspect of God while women are meant to live out another.
I understand that often the motives behind these mindsets are well-intended, but the truth is that theologies with such teachings are actually incredibly harmful to people, both men and women. Then, are they even accurate? Does the Bible actually teach separate roles for men and women? Are we as males and females actually like the categories we try to force ourselves into?
Christian literature often preaches such mindsets. In his book Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul, John Eldredge laments that men have become peaceful and compassionate (because those characteristics are reserved for women, apparently):
Society at large can't make up its mind about men. Having spent the last thirty years redefining masculinity into something more sensitive, safe, and manageable and, well, feminine, it now berates men for not being men. Boys will be boys, they sigh. As though if a man were to grow up he would forsake wilderness and wanderlust and settle down, be at home forever in Aunt Polly's parlor. "Where are all of the real men?" is regular fare for talk shows and new books. You ask them to be women, I want to say. The result is a gender confusion never experienced at such a wide level in the history of the world. How can a man know he is one when his aim is minding his manners?Eldredge is presenting that it is in the nature of a man to be like God, but his view of God is not based upon the text but rather upon culture. Men are designed to be warriors, reflecting the side of God that many define as "masculine". This, however, is problematic for many reasons. First, it does not line up with the text nor the person of Jesus as presented in the Bible. Christ is shown to be compassionate, merciful, and even gentle. He is kind, emotional, and even soft at times. He weeps over the death of his friend Lazarus and allows himself to be killed like a lamb being led to the slaughter. Jesus is a feet-washer; not an aggressive, tough, calloused manly-man.
Jesus wasn't Rambo. He was a warrior, yes, but He was a warrior of love, peace, patience, and humility. Culture tells men to be rough-and-tumble warriors; God says that by the Spirit we all, men and women alike, are made for Shalom lives. We are made for peaceful living.
Viewing men as protectors and warriors is problematic for another reason: not all men fit such a mold. Returning to Eldredge's words we see that he disagrees:
Capes and swords, camouflage, bandannas and six-shooters-these are the uniforms of boyhood. Little boys yearn to know that they are powerful, they are dangerous, they are someone to be reckoned with,..If we believe that man is made in the image of God, then we would do well to remember that "the Lord is a warrior, the Lord is his name" (Exodus 15:13).According to Eldredge, the problem today with men is that they have become feminized: too soft and emotional and weak. Men, he says, desire to be daring, aggressive, tough, and heroic. Because of feminism, men are becoming lesser because they are "acting like women".
Hear me out: this mindset is an incredible limiting and dangerous one to have.
First, it's such a slap in the face to women and men who don't fit the "real men" box. Why is having emotions bad? Why is being "like a woman" seen as weak or negative? Ouch.
Additionally, in defining certain characteristics as "masculine", men are robbed of their full humanity. When we tell boys to be tough, powerful, and aggressive, they grow up afraid to show true characteristics of themselves that are completely normal, though some, like Eldredge, consider feminine. For example, a man who is a deep feeler will suppress his emotions so not to be made fun of for appearing "too feminine". Real men, he reasons, are strong, tough, cool, and even intimidating. How unfair is this, that boys feel as if they have to hide their feelings or simply true selves because of a box that society and the Church crams them into labeled "Real Men".
Men are human beings, and this means that they are beautifully complex. They have emotions, just like women, and that doesn't make them any less as persons or weak or ungodly. Having feelings makes you human, and it's healthy to allow yourself to feel.
Real men don't have to be crammed into a box labeled "sexy, strong, or independent". Real men are human beings just as are real women, and human beings are amazingly diverse in so many ways. Humans are fleshy and wild, amazing and emotional. People are self-controlled and intellectual, and we are made up of different sexes: men and women alike.
Myth number one: men don't have emotions. They are calloused, logical, beings who want adventure because of their daring desires to be seen as heroes and warriors. They're awful at communicating (because only girls talk about their feelings). Our hormones are the ones out of control, after all.
Are men actually like this? Or do they believe that they are because culture says so?
What about women? I was incredibly adventurous as a child, because I'm a daring wild-child at heart. Rapunzel was locked up high in a tower, sure, but I've always been able to scale my own castles and slay my own dragons. I know I'm a woman, but I think I'm really able. I may not be a man, but I think I'm really brave. Some days I'm a weepy mess, but most days I'm a logical thinker. Being a woman doesn't make me any less smart; having emotions doesn't qualify me as weak or anti-intellectual. I have feelings, but my hormones don't run my thoughts, words, or actions.
The world tells me otherwise, and the Church often does too.
That I need a man to save me. That, even if I don't know it yet, deep down in my heart is a desire to be rescued. This implies so much: that women can't be strong, independent, brave, and much else. Can't we though? Are women incapable of courage? Are women incapable of standing up for ourselves? Do we really need men to save us, or are we each wholly ourselves, individually on our own?
My boyfriend is a fantastic person, and I like him a whole lot. He's on my side and I'm on his: we're a team, and that's a beautiful truth. He is not, however, my knight in shining armor. Before I knew him, I wasn't waiting around to be rescued, and he wasn't seeking a damsel in distress to save.
I'm a whole person all on my own, and he is too. We are each capable of much, and we believe in each other, absolutely.
He's brave and strong; I am too.
Some days I ugly cry my eyes out; sometimes, so does he.
We are different but the same, because we are human and we are complex.
Myth number two: men are sexual animals.
Sweet Jesus, this one is beyond terrifying to me. Not only is it insulting to men, but it's inaccurate. Are men sexual in nature? Of course. Are they run by those desires and unable to control their thoughts, words, and actions?
Hell no, and to say otherwise is to justify rape, assault, and all sorts of sexual dangers.
Guys, you are completely able to control your minds, thoughts, and actions towards women and all human beings on the face of the planet. Just because you're a sexual being does not mean that "boys will be boys" or that you can't control yourself.
Because men are human beings, men enjoy sex. It may surprise you to hear, but women enjoy it too. Both men and women are sexual in nature, and both men and women are in control of such desires.
To step out of the box we could even acknowledge that not all men fit such a sexualized stereotype; some men may not enjoy sex at all, and some women may enjoy it more than most men. Each person is different and uniquely their own, and it's some sort of injustice to squash anyone into a generalized box to define who he or she is as a person.
I've heard many sermons about how men are visual and sex-controlled while women are emotional and simply long for romance. This simply isn't true though; it's terrible psychology to say the least. Some women long for sappy romance, while some women find it to be over the top. Some men would rather be sweetly swooned on an elaborate getaway while others would rather have a simple beer at home with their favorite person. Every person is different. Stop trying to cram men into one box and women into another.
Whatever your preferences, sexual identity and gender expressions are far less black and white than the Church often teaches.
Babe, this is okay. This is validated: you are validated.
The myths of men, that their emotions are nonexistent and all that they are is summed up in the idea of being sex robots, are beyond detrimental. These teachings instate power struggles and hierarchies, and they rob men of their full humanity. They encourage men to be aggressive and insensitive, and this is only enforcing domestic violence. In encouraging "tough warriors", we are only creating male abusers. In promoting "passive damsels", we are only placing women beneath men.
The real, tangible, fleshy men in my life, the ones I know and love and trust and care for: these men are complex. They are sexual in nature and they are emotional some days. They are funny and thoughtful, introverts and extroverts. They are smart and silly and cool and weird. They're into musicals and sports, video games and dancing. Some of them cook, while others of them draw. Some of them are wonderful with children while others have never held a baby in their lives. They are all across the board in these areas, because that's what it means to be unique.
That's what it means to be human.
When we take it back to Jesus, because that's where I begin and end, we find one truth: we are all made to be like that man. He was gentle and brave, He was loving and strong. He was a peace-seeker and a truth-speaker, and above all He washed the feet of other people.
He loved well. He had the Spirit of God inside of Him.
And we are all made for this, men and women alike.
