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| Original photo from the blog of Free People |
I'm not like that at all.
As he was up there on the stage speaking to me and hundreds of other college students, that's all I remember thinking.
I'm so not like that girl he's describing.
Rewind to my freshman year of college and you have the context: a young, passionate eighteen-year-old who thought she knew so much (but really knew so little) sitting at a weekly campus bible study with hundreds of other college kids listening to a sermon on the biblical roles of men and women.
My family has never held to these sorts of teachings, not really, and so growing up, in the home at least, I was always allowed to base my roles, what I did and how I lived, off of my spiritual gifts rather than my body type. In the Church, however, I have always heard a different sermon spoken. When I was a young child I never saw a woman preach and all of the elders were white, privileged, middle-aged men. Then in high school there was a bit more freedom, but I always knew there was tension among the congregation, because sexuality is a really touchy topic. In college I began to visit different congregations, which meant straying from my Church of Christ roots, and it was in places like the weekly campus bible study described earlier that I had my first experience with terms like "biblical man" and "biblical woman" as they pertain to the roles that each sex is meant to hold to in various social contexts, including but not limited to the Church, the family, and the world.
My own beliefs on gender, sex, and identity have always differed from those I heard coming from the pulpit, thanks to my family, my close friends, and spiritual big brothers and big sisters of the Faith that are far wiser and more experienced in these areas than myself. A bit of my theology has also been forever rooted in deep conviction, and then the older I've gotten the more I've discovered the wonderful world that is biblical studies, and all of these elements together have formed and molded my mind, body, and spirit.
Though I've always held to my beliefs that bodies are what we have; not who we are, I can look back at moments in my life and pinpoint times that my faith in these areas has faltered a bit. Though I am certain now of what I believe in regards to sexual identity, I will be honest in this space and tell you that I have definitely doubted my beliefs in the past.
When you never see a woman lead at Church, something in the back of your mind wonders if maybe only the men are supposed to. When members of the assembly become tense at the mention of gender-based conversations, you begin to wonder if something is wrong with those who are different than you (or is something wrong with me?). When a man is up there preaching about how you need to live as a "biblical woman", you begin to wonder if maybe he's right.
Even if you know he's wrong.
I remember one sermon specifically in which the speaker said, based on the book of Song of Solomon, that all of the women in the room were designed to be passive, gentle, and full of grace. The sermon was geared towards romantic relationships, and the speaker interpreted the text to mean that men are meant to pursue and women are meant to wait, like little doves hidden away in the clefts of rocks. Then came my least favorite part, in which he proceeded to joke about how women are emotional, weepy messes and men are sexual, out-of-control animals.
Sitting there, all I could think about was how much I didn't fit this generalized box the speaker was trying to cram me and every other person in the room into.
The way he was describing me, it was like I was supposed to be some fragile, delicate, sprinkle-covered cupcake, and maybe he just doesn't know me well enough, but I am anything but.
I speak my mind too much to be considered "quiet and passive" and though sometimes I can be kind and compassionate, some days find me a little rough around the edges. That's what happens when you actually live life; it leaves you a little rough (but that's where the good and inspiring stories come from). Our messiness is our realness, and I can't just cover it up and pretend it's not there. The messy helps me grow. Though life is full of rough and tumble times, it's also full of healing, and all of this makes up who I am. This is me. This is the authentic Lauren, through and through.
Some days I am a weepy mess, but most days I can hold myself together. Gentle and patient? Sure, I believe Jesus was these things, but I think it's okay if I'm strong and brave and a little bit fierce. Sometimes I swear, because words aren't inherently evil, and as much as you may want me to be I will never be the girl with the long, flowy hair locked up high in a tower somewhere. I can hold my own, thank you very much, and as wonderful as men are, I don't need a man to save me. I'm not in the cleft of any rock awaiting my husband; I'm out in the world doing hard and holy things, because this is my calling. This is my place.
Do I date and all that jazz? Yes, because romance is really great and it's something that has made it's way into my life, but a romantic relationship is not my end-all-be-all, and it isn't yours either. It's a fun part of life, and it's another form that glorifying God can take. It's living life with another completely whole person. It's walking through awkward and dancing through loveliness, it's figuring each other out and some days not having a clue. It's a lot of laughter and sometimes tears and it's both of us being brave because the brave life is what we are called to. It's washing feet and being Jesus and defusing power struggles because we don't believe in that shit. This, the sort of dating that allows us to be ourselves is far more romantic than the girl-awaiting-the-guy-because-she-needs-a-prince-to-save-her-mentality.
In case you didn't know, woman are sexual beings, too.
Not out-of-control animals, mind you, but sexual beings nonetheless. Men and woman are both sexual in nature, and we are all in control of our own bodies and desires. We aren't animals; we don't need leashes.
We are human beings, and that means that we are holistic in every which way. We are all allowed to be weepy messes some days. Crying doesn't make you weak; it makes you authentic.
The Church too often says otherwise though, and this needs to be addressed. When you preach that I'm supposed to be gentle-spirited, passive, and full of grace, that I'm a girl run by her emotions who has a place underneath a man in every area of life, you're taking away my humanity. You're overlooking that parts of me that are brave and independent, holistic and strong. You're forgetting that yes, gentleness is a fruit of the spirit, but it's not reserved for women. Men need to be gentle, too, and when you feed them mindsets of dominance and "masculinity" and sex-based-headship, then you're degrading them as well.
For awhile I knew what I believed because it simply didn't fit. That box you're cramming me into? Well, my spirit is far too wild for it's parameters. Over the years though I've learned the information and detail behind such teachings. I've learned how detrimental they are and the sorts of mindsets they enforce. I've learned how they don't match up with the text, depending on how one studies the Bible, and I've learned that these teachings, these gender-based ideas that are spread far and wide, are harming people rather than healing them.
These teachings are hurting us; not healing us.
Over the next few weeks we are going to unpack these teachings and all that they imply. We will research how they affect us, and we will draw parallels between theology and actual living. We will ask these questions: are these teachings true of the text? Are they true to Christ? Are they true to who we are as people: as children of God? Are these teachings helping or harming?
The best truth I've learned is that there is another way. There are ways to live that aren't quite so suffocating, ways in which you might feel more at home than feeling as if you are being stuffed into a box labeled "biblical man" or "biblical woman".
There are ways to base roles off of spiritual gifts; not sex.
There are ways to be a weepy mess but also a sexual being.
There are ways to be humble and kind but brave and strong.
There are ways to be beautiful. There are ways to be free.
These teachings that force us into boxes, they're suffocating us something hard. I promise though love, that there is a way to breathe. There is a way to be spirit-led. There is a way to be free.
