When I was out, when I was in, when I was driving around town and when I was sitting on my couch. You see, it was difficult for you not to cross my thoughts
The thing is, I miss you. Not hardly as much as so many others, like your parents, your aunts, uncles, cousins, and sister. Your sweet, sweet sister, one of my best friends and one of yours, too. The pair of you were different but the same, and this scenario is not one that any of us would've wanted for either one of you.
Especially now, especially this week.
I'm truly, deeply sorry this happened to you.
They miss you. I miss you. We miss you.
Today I went to pick up a restaurant gift card, a little last-minute Christmas shopping because I'm the worst at staying on top of this sort of thing, and as I was sitting at the bar waiting on the cashier, I looked up at all the drinks and wondered what you would've liked.
Beer? Ale? Wine, red or white? "You were only nineteen", I thought.
And it's all just so unfair.
You were just a freshman, not even twenty-one, and babe, you were doing so well. I know because I saw it, the sparkles in your eyes, the smile on your face (were you ever not smiling?). You were goofy and fun and all sorts of talented. You could sing, act, paint, draw, write and create and the list goes on and on.
A lot of people are posting photos of you, and my goodness love, you were so, so beautiful. I always wanted my hair to fall in perfect, natural waves like that, and you want to know something great? You were as smart as you were pretty, and you weren't afraid to own it. I always loved your passion. It was, it is still the first word that comes to mind when someone says your name.
Colby.
Passionate, beautiful, sweet, kind, smart, sassy and silly and out-of-this-world-talented Colby Elizabeth McDaniel.
We miss you something hard.
It's surreal, this awful tragedy that happened. We won't sugar-coat it, we won't pretend it's not real, because as hard as it is to acknowledge this sort of darkness, it's better to sit in authentic spaces than to simply push the sadness away and pretend that we're all okay.
Right here, right now, is hard.
At some point it might not be as hard, and as the days go by we will learn how to live to see the sunshine again. For now, though, we will mourn and commune and remember you well, because this sadness is hard, but God still meets us here.
We will sit in the sadness but we will keep on hoping, and as believers and dreamers and keepers of the Faith we hold to this truth: that one day, in the name of Jesus every tear will be wiped away and the darkness will cease. One day, all that we know will be peace and goodness as Heaven crashes to Earth and everything is restored. One day, our faith will be sight. One day, this ground will cease moaning and groaning.
Right now though, for a little while at least, we are moaning and groaning right along with it,
You know what though? That new Heaven to come? It's here, if even in small ways. We get glimpses of it at times, and I think maybe that's how I remember you, love. You brought Heaven to Earth, and so even though you didn't live long, you certainly lived well.
You loved with everything in you, and you laughed and hoped and sought God with every fiber of your humanity. Your very being sought out truth, and it inspired me and your family and so many others that knew you.
Your heart was a passionate flame that lit your entire being on fire. You were a light to us all, a Colby-Candle of your very own making and God's magnificent design.
After I picked up the gift card I walked around the mall, because my head was in a daze and this all seems too surreal. My feet aimlessly wandered into Bath & Body Works. All lining the wall were bath soaps and lotions, loofas, socks, and slippers. The place is a spa dream in every way, and finally I came to my favorite: the walls of scented candles. I picked up a holiday one and breathed real deep. Mmm, that's Christmas in all aspects. Then another; I put it down immediately. I browsed the candles for awhile, and somewhere along the way I started missing you again.
Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin. Warm and happy and just like your presence.
Apple Orchard. This one is whimsical and bright and your laughter is like this scent.
Hot Buttered Rum? Harry Potter comes to mind, because I know if you saw this candle right now you would reference the books, and all of us Rupert Grint-obsessed youth group girls would reference it right along with you. We'd laugh and be British and let's head to the Three Broomsticks for a nice ButterBeer, if you please?
Winter, Evergreen, Twisted Peppermint and Fresh Basalm. Do you like these scents? I'm not even sure what Spiced Apple Toddy is, but you'd probably breathe it and smile and say it smelled like Christmas. We all know you loved this time of year, but then again, you just loved life.
So I breathe in candles for a while, and then I start to cry, because Colby Elizabeth, you were such a beautiful person. The thing is, you are still a beautiful person, because spirit is stuff that somehow lives on forever, but it's hard right now because we miss you in the flesh.
We will keep on hoping, keep on going, and we will find God in this sadness because that's the sort of people we are. We are people of the Faith, of Shalom and of Resurrection, and so even though the darkness is real right now, we will believe that one day the light will overcome it.
We will sit and stand together, through the sadness and the joys. Life is full of both, and God is in each place.
The last candle on the shelf, the one that made me cry, was one that you would've liked, because it screams you in every way.
Autumn Sky, I read to myself after I'd picked it up and breathed it real deep. This is you, sweet girl, you are Autumn Sky. The world was your playground and your spirit always soared, I believed in you because you believed in you, and the only limits on your potential were the ground beneath you and the sky above you (and I'm sure even those were merely words, just more adventures to your ears).
I loved seeing you do life, sweet, beautiful Colby. My own life was impacted by yours, my little sister from a different mom. I loved meeting with you for coffee to hear how the first semester of college was going, and I loved hearing you talk about your thoughts and your days and your classes and your ways. I loved seeing you get excited about your boyfriend, and when you talked about your friends, I was sure that you cared about them deeply. You cared about everyone deeply, and I only wish I could be as kind-hearted as you. I loved your cleverness, I loved your wit. I loved watching you act and listening to you sing. I loved you like a little sister Colby, and I know many of us did.
You were a Colby-Candle of your own making, and your light lives on and is bringing inspiration to us all.
We all loved you deeply, sweet girl. We all still do.
