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| After jumping waterfalls, the freest I've ever felt |
I wish I could tell you how it feels, but I don't know where to begin. I suppose we could start at the beginning, when I first fell in love with the Lord's work.
When I told people what I was thinking, that maybe I could go to college to be a Bible major, the responses were all over the board.
"What would you do with that?"
"Why would you waste your time?"
"Do you really need a degree to work in children's ministry?"
Then there were the jokes:
"Well, once you find a husband you'll be getting your real degree".
"A bible major! What're you gonna do, preach?"
And they went on, and on, and on.
The thing is, four years ago I wasn't sure how it would all play out. Would I get married? I don't know. That would be alright, I suppose. Being in love sounds hard and messy in all the right ways. It seems fun, sweet, and some sort of magical. I knew it then and I know it now, though: marrying another person won't complete who I am.
I'm already a whole person all my own, and doing life with another will simply be that: adding my life experiences to those of someone else. It'll be linking my already whole life with another life of another whole person, and it'll be good and strong and all kinds of beautiful.
Marriage isn't what I'm made for, though it is something that I can choose to participate in, if I so desire. Being married is cool, but I'm not incomplete without a man by my side.
Would I be a children's minister? I love kids, but that realm is not one I've ever felt called to. Wasn't I better at teaching? Didn't I have a heart for women, and weren't there great needs within the Church in regards to how we treat females?
Rewind just a second: what about that comment on preaching? Why is that a joke?
Would Jesus really tell me to sit down and shut up?
Why would God give me a love for the text? Why would there be a fire burning deep down, a soul-flame somewhere inside of me that is constantly blazing to see the kingdom come?
Why would I care so much about the hard and holy things if making them happen is against God's will?
I wasn't sure how it would all play out, but I knew I was tapping into something good. I wanted to study the Bible, so why the hell was everyone acting like it was ridiculous or wrong or some sort of sin?
Here I am, four years down the road, and I still don't have it all worked out. God has brought me far, that's certainly true. I've learned so much about Jesus and the Spirit and this upside-down kingdom which is both here and to come.
God loves all the men, but God also loves every woman. I've realized that this wherein is where my passions lie: in spreading the news that women are people, too. Jesus is for you, sweet thing, and God is inviting you to be a part of this kingdom.
Patriarchy isn't God's plan for humanity; redemption is.
Period.
I've found that the Bible is amazing, and it's far less black and white than I'd always heard growing up. The scriptures are relateable and foreign simultaneously, and they're full of God's workings yet also overflowing with the messiness of humanity.
Just like my own life, I think. I'm a wild-child-hot-mess most days, but God is still working.
I've seen how humble men can be and how strong women are, and I now understand that the Spirit works through us all, because we are all made in God's image. The same, gender-neutral spirit that was in Jesus is in me and you and any person anywhere who is open and yielding to the sweet kingdom work of the heavens.
God will use you, if you're open to being used.
My gifts are here but still developing, and what I do and how I minister has absolutely nothing to do with my biological sex; the Spirit of God is far grander, way more extraordinary than mere physical, human limitations.
I don't know if I'll preach, but I know that God can.
Who knows if I'll teach? If the Lord asks me to, then I will.
Whether it's through writing or speaking or painting or singing, whether I'm a youth minister or a pastor or on staff at a women's shelter, I believe that God has invited me into such spaces.
"Get into these arms, because I've called you to do my work".
I'm a part of this kingdom, and so are you, whoever you are.
You're a part of us.
I believe it. God believes it.
Some don't though, and this is the last lesson I am daily learning (or being reminded of, perhaps).
There are days I love doing ministry, and there are days where I feel affirmed and welcome and encouraged and loved. Some days though, the opposite is true.
People get uncomfortable when they find out what I'm studying.
Guys squirm in their seats when I point out the oppression of women in the text.
It's there; don't pretend it isn't.
My classes are still male-heavy, a daily reminder that women are still fighting for equality.
And now, here I am on the other side of halfway and graduation is looming close.
As I'm applying for jobs and researching all of my options, the first question I have to ask is one that I'm beyond weary of asking: is this Church or organization women-affirming?
Why are we still asking this question? Why can't we simply ask this: how is this person gifted? Where will this person fit best in our ministry?
Or better yet: how is the Spirit of God moving and working and breathing?
I'm not joking, though it's so ridiculous that you might think I am. Some positions, some places are actually closed doors. Because I'm a woman I'm not qualified, though my degree is the exact same as that male you've just interviewed, so why can't I be considered for the job?
Because I'm a girl, I'm not welcome to do ministry in certain places. I can't hold certain positions, because those are reserved for the logical, more apt men.
Sexism isn't everywhere, but it's still somewhere, and being present at all is being present too much.
Where God has welcomed me in, the Church has shut me, and many others, out.
"You are the other", people are shouting.
You are the other.
No matter your skills or your certifications, no matter your heart or passions or the very Spirit of God that is working and breathing in and among you.
You're a woman, and so keep walking.
Move along, please.
There are others over there waiting for you to join them.
Being a female Bible major? It's hard, ya'll. It's messy and authentic and most days it's a battle of empowering myself and every other strong, beautiful, independent woman around me.
Some days though, it's freeing. The days when the kingdom is here and the patriarchy is gone? Those days are the best. When my friend Amanda is up there preaching better than us all, or the days when Christy is making us all cry because her gifts for children are out of this world, or when this girlfriend is singing or that one is teaching?
And the guys, they're doing all of these things too, and we're all just bringing the kingdom together?
This is some sort of wonderful.
It's like jumping waterfalls. You take one big leap off that rock and you're flying, and then the water is cold and petrifying but you're alive because you're feeling something.
You swim and you laugh, and then you get out of the water, climb back up on the rock, and do it all again.
Curly hair a mess, feet bare and muddy.
Together, with God, we are all free and flying.
We aren't the others.
We are us.
