When We Cried Out

What if no one believed you? What if no one cared? What if no one validated your worth and rights, your callings and abilities so that you felt as if you weren't a whole human being all on your own? What if society degraded you, the Church thwarted you, and people abused you? What if this was your story, would you still tell me not to be angry?

Don't pat me on the head and say, "there, there".

"It'll all be fine, you're just blowing this out of proportion".

"This is just a phase: the next big, cool, radical movement".

Or perhaps the worst: this is all too hard, too messy, too real. I'll just turn my head the other way.

Look. At. Me.

Look at us, myself and my sisters, your wives and your daughters. Look at the women of the world and see us for who we are, see us for what we are: hurting, crying, moaning, and groaning.

Crushed beneath the weight of male privilege.

Don't look away, no matter how bright the glare of injustice is. The darkness is real; don't pretend it's not there. If you see it and aren't angry, then you aren't paying attention.

If you truly don't see it, if you honestly don't see then ask.

Ask us our stories, because we all have stories to tell.

Please, for the sake of all that is hard and holy attempt to understand, seek to make sense of it all. Then, after you've heard words and seen scars and felt the pain right in our midst and you still don't think we have a point in our outcries, then fine.

Continue on with your life, and I will continue on with mine.

Because here's the thing, love: feminism is the most redemptive concept to me in all the world. That's right: redemptive. I'm taking that weighty word and smacking it onto this mindset, because what I've seen feminism do is an absolute act of God, pouring hope and water and all things life into dry, cracked, thirsty souls.

Feminism says that women are people, too. It speaks out against domestic violence and strives to not only address but end sexual abuse. Feminism raises up women not because females need to rule but rather because men always have. Feminism breaks down power struggles in the sweet name of equality and builds up bridges because it's better when we work together. It calls my sisters into the light and sends the darkness running, and in helping women what many don't realize is that men are actually being helped, too. Feminism looks into the eyes of a hurting, marginalized girl and tells her she is loved. It holds the hand of that twelve-year old sweet thing, too young to understand it all, and promises that one day she will be free. Why are forced child marriages still happening around the world today? Feminism restores dignity to women who have been genitally mutilated, and it declares rights and free will to all women everywhere, because let's go through it again: women are people, too. Feminism says that hey, love, you're able to be an engineer, and oh yes, you have a message? Will you please preach it loud? I believe in you strong. Feminism encourages women to be smart, because we have brains too, but it allows us to be weepy, because human beings are really complex. It strives to end slut shaming and body shaming and so, so much shaming I don't even think we realize just how much we do it. The world says we aren't enough and the Church says we are too much and at the end of the day I just want to throw up my hands in surrender and exasperation, because how on earth are women supposed to keep up with it all?

Let's all just take a moment and breathe: in and out, deep and long.

Hear me out: this is the world we are living in. This is the world that has been created for us by men, women all across the board, of all colors, in all countries.

And if that doesn't make you cry or piss you off or stir something within you in some sort of way, then you, to be quite honest, might be part of the problem.

I don't mean that to be rude (though maybe rudeness is sometimes called for), it's just that if I could explain to you just how terrifying it is to be told how to live, to be informed what to do, to have your very own choices and worth and rights stolen from you the second you were born into this world: if I could explain to you just how awful it is to be on the victimized end of a male dominated world, I would.

I can't though, because words cannot possibly explain how unjust this world is for women.

Emma Watson, who I'm a dear, dear fan of recently advocated for feminism in a speech on behalf of the United Nations. She received a lot of feedback, ranging from death threats to support signs, and I'm eager to see how this movement progresses. Watson promoted a campaign titled "he for she", which, though I have many thoughts on, am mostly in support of. At it's core are good intentions, and as a movement it calls males to support the equality of women, which many have shown through what my friend calls the "raising awareness stage", in which a male writes "he for she" on paper and posts it on social media.

Sidenote: if your feminism stops at a paper sign, then your feminism isn't quite true.

This is all good and well, and men who have partaken: thank you, really. It's important and it means a lot. I want to encourage you (and us all) to remember though: feminism is so much deeper than a paper sign and a hip statement. Feminism is claiming to stand for equality, to end gender-based sexual violence, to stop domestic abuse, to address intersectionality, and so, so much.

It's a call to listen to the stories of women, because we are the ones who have been oppressed.

It's a call to sit down and shut up.

I applaud her advocacy for women, and I'm thankful for someone in the spotlight to take such a hard stand. She is gracious and brave, and I'm glad for it all. Howver, Watson made one point that I want to address, because it's been bothering me quite a lot. “The more I spoke about feminism, the more I realized that fighting for women’s rights has too often become synonymous with man hating,” Watson said. “If there is one thing I know for certain is that this has to stop.”

Watson's point (I think) is that at it's core, feminism is not about hating men. This is true, because you don't have to be anti-men to be pro-women. Feminism is certainly not about hating men. Feminism is about equality and restoring the rights and dignity to women everywhere.

However, the view that you cannot be anti-men and also be pro-women is naive and even harmful to those who have been hurt, which, essentially is every woman everywhere. When you live in a male-dominated world in which you are demeaned from birth because you came into this world a certain sex, believe me when I say this: you are justified in your anger.

Being an angry feminist is acceptable and perhaps even necessary, because anger is a raw, real, complex, human emotion. I want to listen to the stories of the angry, because this will help me learn, and this allows me to meet people where they're at in the hard and messy places.

Living the messy is not easy, but wow is it authentic.

Don't push angry feminists to the margins, because there is room for us here. Feminism is not solely about man-hating, but excuse me when I say that all women have plenty of excuses to hate men.

Now, a bit of gentleness, because I've got a bit of that somewhere deep down. Love, here's a bit of a confession: I don't hate men inherently. Two of my dearest friends are male feminists, and they are wonderful, encouraging, amazing human beings. I've dated guys that have softened my heart, proving to me that they aren't all the same, and both my dad and step-dad are men that I respect and love. Two professors of mine have recently told me to "keep it up, this good stuff you're doing" and "it may not seem like it, but you've got guys backing you up". I don't hate men, but it's taken me a long time to reach this point. Through my journey of life and growing up I've had to learn to have grace, and though this is beautiful, it's not always the point at which I am at. It's a really hard balance, having grace yet justified anger, but it's how we should live, because it's authentic and genuine. The art of grace is virtuous and true, and I hope if you've been hurt that you can learn to forgive for there is such healing in that space. However, if you're hurting and someone is telling you to stop being angry, then I'm going to push back on that and say it: I think it's okay to be a little (or a lot) mad. It's okay to cry, okay to rant or rage or let it all out, because everyone's telling you to hold it in, but really what we might need is for you to speak it out.

We might need to hear your story, for stories help us grow and learn.

There are men in my life that I love, but there are certainly men in my past who I have hated.

When I was seventeen an older man came onto me, strong. I'm not one to be messed with, so I got the hell away, but it scared me really bad, and for a long time: I hated him.

I recently had a guy hit on me at work, and his words were disrespectful and demeaning and assuming of so much: it was some sort of difficult, but I refrained from spouting out spiteful words (and the wrong drink, baristas hold so much power).

When I read stories of girls being forced to marry or enslaved into sex trafficking or  racially profiled or demeaned or abused or oppressed in any way, I get all worked up, absolutely heart-broken and livid, and wouldn't you, too?

Put yourself in someone else's shoes. If you constantly lived in fear of walking outside at night because of your sex, if you couldn't wear what you wanted for fear of sending the wrong message, if you were objectified by your body through the sexual violence of the pornography industry, or if you were forced into marriage or prostitution or trafficking or you were afraid to speak up about your rape or harassment or abuse or story for fear of not being believed or told to submit simply because you were a girl and patriarchy has ruled for centuries: wouldn't you be groaning? Wouldn't you be hurt?

Wouldn't you be so, so over it?

Wouldn't you just want one, simple request: to share your story and actually have someone listen?

Don't minimize the hurt and pain of women everywhere. Don't settle for a watered-down version of feminism, because it's not true feminism. The end goal of feminism is certainly peace, and as a Christian, for me, it begins and ends with Christ: in the name of Jesus we should strive for peace, because He has made us for Shalom lives.

If you've stuck with me through this post thus far, then listen to me: achieving peace has never been easy. The road is rough, and it's going to be uncomfortable.

That's what it feels like to break down power struggles. It's uncomfortable to say the least, but it's beautiful in all sorts of ways.

Listen to the stories of women around you. Don't sugar-coat our struggles by telling us to calm down, don't pat us on the head or say "there, there". Don't enforce your patriarchy by minimizing our outcries.

Just. Listen.

What if no one believed you? What if no one cared? What if no one validated your worth and rights, your callings and abilities so that you felt as if you weren't a whole human being all on your own? What if society degraded you, the Church thwarted you, and people abused you? What if this was your story, would you still tell me not to be angry?